You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
The news
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Doggies just call it style.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*