My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
You Might Also Like
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!