[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Barbie gone wild
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Lmbo
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*