there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
😏😏😏
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou