Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
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“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can