Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
A small tragedy.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.