Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
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Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
wish me luck lads