Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Just a friendly reminder!
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
The French word for sex is croissant.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did