Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
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me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
never deleting this app.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
finally
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.