My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
oh shit
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket