You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
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Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I can’t be the only one 😂
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen