My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol