Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone