Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
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we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
This kinda thing happens to me often
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
We avoided this particular disaster
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.