Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
You Might Also Like
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Smile they said.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.