PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.