“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
You Might Also Like
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.