If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
worst…sale…ever
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Bike for sale
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
oh you wanna fight?!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.