My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage