I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.