Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
scared to check what name she chose
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.