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I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.