*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
She puts the hot in psychotic
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Had to try this trend 😊
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
went fishing caught a bass
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?