[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.