Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
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I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.