*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Fixed this for Shakespeare
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?