High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
People buying plungers never look happy.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE