Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
You Might Also Like
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing