the only organized thing in my life is crime
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It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?