i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
You Might Also Like
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
You have been warned.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party