*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
These are my emotional support Pringles.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.