If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
this makes me so uncomfortable
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Natural selection at its finest
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.