*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
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I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight