When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
You Might Also Like
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.