I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
You Might Also Like
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.