[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.