The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
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everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?