“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.