We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
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Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
(yawn)
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.