that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
dictator is short for richard potato
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.