When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.