Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
me doing my best
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!