Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
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We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that