I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
selena gomez
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes