[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip