Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Cashiers are always checking me out
#TopTip
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.