Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
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My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.