Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
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Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Monica just destroyed the internet
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
selfie game
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.