Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
translated into Canadian
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.