My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
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Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200